she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
