Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
