he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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