She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
