so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
