The maid of honor just puked.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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