there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
