Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
