I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
