fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
