I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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