I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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