Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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