Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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