just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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