The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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