pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
