Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
