Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize