I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
