"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize