theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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