how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
