i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
