I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
