I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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