nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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