Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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