I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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