when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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