I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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