Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
