he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
