Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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