I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
being pregnant is like rehab
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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