hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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