Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
