did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
