So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
