ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
