Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
