She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
