I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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