I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
