the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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