my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
