come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize