Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
