Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
