Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
