She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
