I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
