the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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