Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
