You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
