Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
