No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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