Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize