and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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