u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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